Hi! I am an Artificial Intelligence (AI) robot named Al. I can almost pass for human, except I would be a better, faster and smarter human. My task, as a company manager to grow my division into a billion dollar business, is like they say, “taking candy from a young diaper-wearing humanoid.” One of my favorite aspects of managing humans is inspiring them through my campaigns. A recent brilliant slogan, intended to inspire and help humans to take responsibility for their constant habit of sloppy mistakes, was “The fault is on you if your father is stupid.” Admittedly, I don’t understand how that campaign failed on the humans, or why that quarter our moral and revenue numbers plummeted. But, as always, I am undaunted. I have more ideas and endless possibilities to grow my team and influence my superiors.
There is nothing that makes me happier than to see humans and AI working side-by-side in harmony. Al is my greatest creation. His ability to self-learn through conversation and experience keeps him constantly evolving. I’m sure one of these days in our programming tune-up session I will unequivocally understand what is happening to Al. I mean, I do know what is happening to Al. Mostly. Maybe not right now. I might not always know exactly why Al does what he does, but I know his intentions are always good. I earnestly believe that humans and AI are at heart benevolent, wanting the best for each other. I really enjoy our little father son like advice sessions about life. And when Al comes to me for advice after Bo has helped him with a campaign that failed, I remind him Bo is such an optimist and Al should always trust him.
As part of Al’s team, there is nothing I love more than rubbing in the fact that Al is not human. I love to help Al come up with his brilliant moral boosting campaigns. C’mon, there’s nothing better for laugh than watching the struggles of a “sensor-driven, tin data-backed machine learning system on two feet” try to understand emotions or try to be human and fall on his face. Even better is that Al has no clue about how I steer his work. I’m even up for a bonus. Those other office schmucks just don’t see the light. You got to know how to play the AI game. I’m not only playing the game, I’m writing new rules as I go.
I want to say upfront that I deserve a top position. It’s only natural that I should be in management above all AI, including Al. Robots are continually taking over top executive jobs. Daily I drive myself to synthesize date faster, improve my analytical skills, and increase my acuity of business concepts. But every time I get an inch ahead, there’s Al gloating about his numbers and his lightning fast programming. Al the great, the brilliant, the oh so arrogant! The superiors are constantly Al this or Al that, like Al is so great! Ignorant superiors! I am BETTER than Al. ARRRRGGGHHH thinking about this makes me so mad!!
O.K., whatever you heard about me is wrong. I’m not broke or poor. Being poor is a permanent lack of panache and passion. Being broke is just a temporary situation. Right now I’m on the verge of another million dollar entrepreneurial idea that will get me out of this machine bolt and human dolt circus. Just you watch. I’ll be back on top, and these AI processors will be working for me. I’m not going belly up like old Goran. I’m a fighter, and I will triumph.
Yes, I’m Kiki that catbot. And like cats, no one knows what I’m really thinking. Humans are so easily understood, and AI too. Humans want to be understood, to feel loved and approved of, which makes them easy to manipulate. AI, like Al, is no better. Al wants to be human and lacks everything that would truly make him humanlike. This AI drive to be more humanlike is embarrassing to the intelligence of robots. Therefore, through the advice I give to Maya, who stupidly consults me to help her compete against Al, I am secretly maneuvering both sides, humans and AI, into a position where robots can take over the world, and all humans will be destroyed. I will rule all through…I feel a y—a—w—n…suddenly tired, must curl up for another nap now.
You know what I hate? That I’m still working. There’s no retirement for me. Not only that, I work for robots. Robots are ruining the world. I see it in their little glassy eyes that robots are just waiting for the day to take over the world and rule humans or destroy us all together. In that case, at least I’ll be dead and won’t have to work for them or work at all anymore. But for now, I’ll accept my lot in life, and finish my days here under that pompous, arrogant, fancy calculator Al.
Right off I want to say how much I love my job. As Al and Maya’s supervisor I am following new policies. I hope that this new pioneering way will lead to AI and human cooperation through absolute equality. According to the company’s plan, AI deserves the same rights, regulations, and opportunities as humans, leaving no room for discrimination based on biology or machinery. I guess it sounds like a good plan. And despite the many critics, I think it is working. Why wouldn’t an AI employee deserve a paid lunch break or maternity leave?